Math Teacher Arrested at Airport
>
>At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be
>a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in
>possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a
>calculator.
>
>At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Asscroft said he
>believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is
>being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
>
>"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Asscroft said. "They desire average
>solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
>search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and
>refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a
>common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
>country.
>
>"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to
>every triangle," Asscroft declared.
>
>When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
>wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
>given us more fingers and toes.
>
>"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent
>on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us
>with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on
>every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the
>circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw
>the line."
>
>President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the
>potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before
>seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in
>random facts of vertex."
>
>Attorney General Asscroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my
>ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue
>to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around
>their necks."
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good- bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and Filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff." (Go Figure!)
A man walks into a restaurant and calls themanager. He wants to propose a bet.
- I don't have any money, but I have a curious talent: I can tell everything by it's taste. If you give me a dish of food, I can tell you exactly what ingredients you used in it. If I miss any of them, I'll pay you twice the price of the dish. If I'm correct, you give it to me for free.
The manager was curious and asked the chef to bring a dish. The man stuck the fork in the food and smelled it. With a list in his hand, the manager checked all the ingredients: the man guessed all of them, including the brands and the expiration date of each of them.
Impressed, the manager gave him the food for free. The next day he came back... same bet, same result. Over and over again.
After a coupld of weeks, the manager got pissed and decided to end that. He went to the kitchen, picked up a fork and told a woman who worked there as a cook:
- Sabrina, shove this fork in your vagina and give it back to me.
- But sir!!!
- Do as I say. Quickly.
Afraid of losing her job, the woman performed the exotic request. The manager put the fork in the dish and took it for the man to smell it.
The man grabbed the fork, and started to sniff. He looked puzzled. He sniffed again, and then looked back to the kitchen:
Long ago there lived a brave seafarer named Captain Bravo. He was a courageous man who showed no fear in facing his enemies.
One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red velvet jacket."
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red velvet jacket, and, after donning the jacket, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red velvet jacket and once again vanquished the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red velvet jacket before each battle?"
The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and awaited his usual request.
Captain Bravo calmly shouted, "Bring me my brown corduroy pants!"
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
—
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy [i]-Tom Waits
[/i]
Math Teacher Arrested at Airport
>
>At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be
>a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in
>possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a
>calculator.
>
>At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Asscroft said he
>believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is
>being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
>
>"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Asscroft said. "They desire average
>solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
>search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and
>refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a
>common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
>country.
>
>"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to
>every triangle," Asscroft declared.
>
>When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
>wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
>given us more fingers and toes.
>
>"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent
>on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us
>with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on
>every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the
>circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw
>the line."
>
>President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the
>potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before
>seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in
>random facts of vertex."
>
>Attorney General Asscroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my
>ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue
>to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around
>their necks."
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www.EvanIslam.com
Q - What's the difference between a duck?
A - One of it's legs are both the same
The Brothers McLeod
[SIZE=2]brothersmcleod.co.uk[/SIZE]
Two fish in a tank.
One says to the other: "How do you drive this thing?"
Yep, cereal killer.
Splatman:D
SPLAT digital
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. He says to the barman, "I'll have two beers thanks: one for me and one for the road."
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a beer.
The bartender refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club, and the bartender replies, "You'll be driving later."
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good- bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and Filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff." (Go Figure!)
A man walks into a restaurant and calls themanager. He wants to propose a bet.
- I don't have any money, but I have a curious talent: I can tell everything by it's taste. If you give me a dish of food, I can tell you exactly what ingredients you used in it. If I miss any of them, I'll pay you twice the price of the dish. If I'm correct, you give it to me for free.
The manager was curious and asked the chef to bring a dish. The man stuck the fork in the food and smelled it. With a list in his hand, the manager checked all the ingredients: the man guessed all of them, including the brands and the expiration date of each of them.
Impressed, the manager gave him the food for free. The next day he came back... same bet, same result. Over and over again.
After a coupld of weeks, the manager got pissed and decided to end that. He went to the kitchen, picked up a fork and told a woman who worked there as a cook:
- Sabrina, shove this fork in your vagina and give it back to me.
- But sir!!!
- Do as I say. Quickly.
Afraid of losing her job, the woman performed the exotic request. The manager put the fork in the dish and took it for the man to smell it.
The man grabbed the fork, and started to sniff. He looked puzzled. He sniffed again, and then looked back to the kitchen:
- Hey, I didn't know Sabrina worked here!
danielpoeira.org
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?
Filipe Filop
Long ago there lived a brave seafarer named Captain Bravo. He was a courageous man who showed no fear in facing his enemies.
One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red velvet jacket."
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red velvet jacket, and, after donning the jacket, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red velvet jacket and once again vanquished the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red velvet jacket before each battle?"
The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and awaited his usual request.
Captain Bravo calmly shouted, "Bring me my brown corduroy pants!"
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy [i]-Tom Waits
[/i]