Search form

Critique my storyboard (please)

18 posts / 0 new
Last post
Critique my storyboard (please)

Hi all:

I'm looking for constructive criticism on an animated short I'm planning to embark on. The link is here.

Some brief background. I'm working on the animatic (not ready yet) - sounds are kind of key to the piece. The "click click click" sound is the radio dial changing - with the radio stations changing accordingly. In the hospital, the click sound is the TV remote.

The background in the car will be a highway background (done in CG using Maya). The animation of the characters will be done using Flash MX.

Thanks in advance!

-kms007

kms007's picture
Visit The PC Weenies Cartoon "Tech Toons for the rest of us!"

Visit The PC Weenies Cartoon
"Tech Toons for the rest of us!"

It does not make a whole lot of sense at first glance and you really have to work at it for it to make sense.

It would help if the "panels" were properly collated into correct scenes, so it can be dtermined where the cuts are.
Your panel three has a wider view of the car and occupants--is this a truck-out? A cut? Or is it simply fielded wider to show the arm--its confusing.
The stuff happening in the car is confusing as well because the characters are so hard to see and "read".
Is it essential to show ALL of the car all of the time?

In my professional opinion, this needs more work.

"We all grow older, we do not have to grow up"--Archie Goodwin ( 1937-1998)

Why are you "shooting" everything straight on? You can do some nice POV shots of the little up looking up at the big guy and back. Don't be a lazy animator make more drawing; which leads me to why aren't there any close ups.

I think the little guy is (or should be) changing the radio station which is slowly driving the big guy nuts. If he is lets see the finger hitting the buttons and then close ups of the big guys face and then more of the same at the end.

Don't end with "the end?"

Rather than going to a black frame for the crash way not hear the sound of a horn, zoom into the big guys eyes and cut to the hospital with the sound of sirens.

You should start out on the big guy in the hospital and cut back to reveal the little guy next to him.

You need a close up of the little guy picking up the remote. Hate to harp on the camera work but you need to make sure the viewer knows what is important.

Fun story though.

ed

Department of Computer Animation
Ringling College of Art and Design
Sarasota Florida

Thanks for the feedback, Ed & Ken! Those are GREAT suggestions. I will revise my storyboard accordingly. This is why it's only a preliminary storyboard. :)

-K

Visit The PC Weenies Cartoon
"Tech Toons for the rest of us!"

I'm going to expand upon that and say edit it like a montage. Each click flashing to the driver's face and seeing it more and more aggravated.

For the crash, a good transition would be keeping the eyes the same with close-up, and then zooming out from them after all the crashing sounds (complete with wincing and twitching of the eyes) to reveal that he's now bandaged up in his bed.

Ending with "the end?" is like laughing at yourself after you tell a joke. If you're really that funny, the laughter will follow. Same thing here, it's going to have a lot more impact when the half-implied joke of "Oh, man, he clicked again -- is he gonna get it!" pours through the viewer's head and they're able to come to it on their own.

That's a great suggestion, ScatteredLogical! I think I'm going to incorporate the closeup on the eyes for the crash and then pan out when the two are in the hospital. I can even eliminate the outside view of the hospital this way. I also like your suggestion on having each click of the radio dial correspond to a flash back to the driver's face. With him getting more visibly annoyed at each click.

I'll also ix'nay the "The End?" panel as you've recommended.

-K

I'm going to expand upon that and say edit it like a montage. Each click flashing to the driver's face and seeing it more and more aggravated.

For the crash, a good transition would be keeping the eyes the same with close-up, and then zooming out from them after all the crashing sounds (complete with wincing and twitching of the eyes) to reveal that he's now bandaged up in his bed.

Ending with "the end?" is like laughing at yourself after you tell a joke. If you're really that funny, the laughter will follow. Same thing here, it's going to have a lot more impact when the half-implied joke of "Oh, man, he clicked again -- is he gonna get it!" pours through the viewer's head and they're able to come to it on their own.

Visit The PC Weenies Cartoon
"Tech Toons for the rest of us!"

I've made some revisions thanks to the feedback given. I'm still working on a few extra tweaks, but hopefully the additions and modifications make a little more sense.

Feedback welcomed!

-K

Visit The PC Weenies Cartoon
"Tech Toons for the rest of us!"

I don't necessarily disagree with anyone.
Maybe I'm coming in late after the "fixes".

Technically....yeh sure...it's not a conventional storyboard...a strip really....but I thought it was good. If you want to shoot from one angle forever...go ahead. As long as the timing, animation and sound are down pat. IT's like a MAD strip...I'd love to see those animated as they are stripped.
EVen if you did it in limbo with no bg as it is stripped. The point to me is watching them in a car.

I just did a 30 sec gag sample assignment in which it was one static shot.... I though it came across best that way. WHen I thought of adding anything more I was only thinking so becasue I thought it was what may be expected but as it was I thought it would be funnier...I had never done that before but the gag worked best for me.

Sure, if you have an instuructor to please or "idiot-proofing" your baords before they are sent off to Pago-Pago or wanting a board for a portfolio for a studio job...then make them conventional; throw in animated bgs in and gratuitous camera moves...
You are thinking as an independant. You can sift the suggestions.You can please yourself.

Awright.

For what it's worth just to throw a wrench on the works, I do like the former better than your revision.

In my eyes there are a few problems with the revision.

Like with the first there is no build. I'd have the little guy start pressing buttons right away, big guy gets madder and madder then yells, little guy goes to press the button again and get a quick look from the big guy, just when the big guy looks relaxed the little guy starts whistling and the big guy explodes.

More shots of the buttons being hit are needs, one of the in the car shots need to be flipped so it looks like they are driving in the same car in the same direction, and I'd try to get a shot of the two of them with as little car as possible; everything is happening in the face but we never see it.

I like Scattered's solution for getting into the hospital better than going to the black screen and the circle and I still think you need a close up of the remote.

But it's your show, I'm just giving you my take on it. It's what I do.

ed

Department of Computer Animation
Ringling College of Art and Design
Sarasota Florida

hi Ed (and others):

Mucho Thanks for the feedback. I'm still in the midst of adding and incoroporating additional revisions, as everyone has suggested. The interior shots are supposed to be from the POV of each character. The big guy (Ogre) looking down on Bob (the little guy) and vice versa. I will add a few more button pressing shots and face close-ups.

Many Thanks for all the excellent critiques :)

-K

Visit The PC Weenies Cartoon
"Tech Toons for the rest of us!"

It looks like you're getting plenty of direction, so...

I'll throw in a simple thought as well...

Is there a place in your story you could throw in a shaved and rather angry wallaby? Could make for a very unexpected twist at the end.

Then again, maybe not! ;)

Keep on crankin'! Looks like fun!

Splatman :D

I like Scattered's solution for getting into the hospital

Why thank you, Supreme Lord and Master...

I must say when I opened your link I expected to see pencil drawings rather than digital graphics. Nothing wrong with that but I think it stiffles your spontaneity as you are trying to do a pretty picture. Better draw it on paper (but that's just an opinion) Have a look at some work from a master here:
http://www.geocities.com/leehongswork/WELCOME.html
Pity there arent more samples of his boards. Lee is now working at Nickelodeon and doing great stuff.

As far as other comments.....well......all of the above but remember first and foremost to TELL THE STORY in the most effective way. Use angles and layout according to the specific drama or point of the scene. On this point.......you have to 'know it and feel it' before you put it on paper. That can't be taught.......only REALIZED in time!!!

Good luck with the film :)

hi fairplay:

I actually started out with rough pencils in my sketchbook, then brought them into the computer to clean them up, as the pencils were too light. Even the revisions were roughed up and then scanned in. I'll try and post these up on my site as well. Thanks for the link, too!

-K

I must say when I opened your link I expected to see pencil drawings rather than digital graphics. Nothing wrong with that but I think it stiffles your spontaneity as you are trying to do a pretty picture. Better draw it on paper (but that's just an opinion) Have a look at some work from a master here:
http://www.geocities.com/leehongswork/WELCOME.html
Pity there arent more samples of his boards. Lee is now working at Nickelodeon and doing great stuff.

As far as other comments.....well......all of the above but remember first and foremost to TELL THE STORY in the most effective way. Use angles and layout according to the specific drama or point of the scene. On this point.......you have to 'know it and feel it' before you put it on paper. That can't be taught.......only REALIZED in time!!!

Good luck with the film :)

Visit The PC Weenies Cartoon
"Tech Toons for the rest of us!"

...............
More shots of the buttons being hit are needs, one of the in the car shots need to be flipped so it looks like they are driving in the same car in the same direction, and I'd try to get a shot of the two of them with as little car as possible; everything is happening in the face but we never see it.

............

Disagree.
I can know he is changing stations by sound and reaction of the driver.
Mike's New Car anyone? Did they keep cutting to the controls every time the seat was being adjusted or controls played with?

The shots panel 1a and Panel 1b are useless. It's been established that they are sitting together...no new information....unless there is new info like somehow showing even morseso info, as in the the driver nervously trembling or something.

Yes, to have the frontal car shots the expressions are going to have to be clear.

I'm not going to continue to get into it deeper. I know I have strange ideas.
There have been films, skits, animation that just don't have shots for shots' sakes.

Disagree.

So be it.

You can show a 100 people the same storyboard and you'll get 100 different takes on the story and how to present it.

I'm not saying my way is the only way I'm just saying how I see it played out. It was put out there to critique and I was doing just that as were you.

And I do agree that shots 1a and Panel 1b would be useless if that as the only time you use them but personally I would use them a lot more. If I was directing I would want to be in the car, see buttons pushed, see the little guy delight in finding a new song, see the big guy's eyes twitch as the annoyance level builds and you may want to sit a car lengths in front and watch the whole thing unfold.

It's all a matter of preference.

ed

Department of Computer Animation
Ringling College of Art and Design
Sarasota Florida

Just the cutting from 1a to 1b is extremely awkward. The two anles are almost opposite angles, and it is really confusing. I am not certain (I don't remember and I am not going to re-open the page), but I believe that you are jumping the axis. Something REALLY needs to be done with these scenes. If they ARE useless, as I tend to agree, I would remove them too. Also, the angles are weird, considering they are inside a little tiny car. It looks IMMENSE in your drawings of the interior; especially with the composition of the little tiny character in all that background (1b). Try not to have so much negative space around the character, unless there is an artistic reason for doing so.

Remember this golden rule of storyboarding (my PERSONAL golden rule). EVERY SCENE MUST SERVE A PURPOSE. If you are cutting to something, there needs to be a reason for your doing so. Otherwise, DO NOT CUT AT ALL. Just something to keep in mind. Cut to show something vital to the story, not just for the sake of cutting.

I have just written a story for Skwigly Animation Magazine (http://www.skwigly.co.uk/) about the do's and don'ts of storyboarding. It is a bit of a long story as I put in as many things to do or avoid as I could think of, but it might be worth looking into, KMS, when it is released on line, or in the hard copy of the magazine. Unfortunately, the magazine itself is sold in the UK(to the best of my knowledge, anyways) so hopefully, the story will also be posted on their wonderful web site so you can learn from it.

Cheers

"Don't want to end up a cartoon in a cartoon graveyard" - Paul Simon