hey everyone, i would like to present my script for my episode. this below is part one of the first episode. plz feel free to tell me if u liked it or if i should make some improvements. if u wanna know how it ends or want more. u'll have to ask me on the forum or PM. hope u enjoy
[U][B]Merivale Chronicles: Script
And so we Begin Part 1[/B][/U]
[We view the kingdom of Merivale. Camera scrolls into a village and into a farm]
Merick: [shouts] Hey come back here
Pig: *snorts*
[Merick chases the pig into the barn with horses. Merick quietly walks into the barn to find the pig]
Merick: here piggy piggy piggy! Here piggy piggy! Merick’s got some leftovers [he shows the leftovers]
[The pig rushes up down under Merick’s legs and he trips him up which cause the leftovers to pour over his head]
Merick: *sighs* Why does this happen to me?
[We view Merick’s Guardian and Mentor Belzar cooking up potions in the basement]
Belzar: Emmm… just a few more drops and..
[The pig rushes into the room breaking up bottles, potions, books and everything in site]
Belzar: [shouts] what there? Merick
[The Pig runs around the room and continues breaking bottles and potions until he hits a bottle that pours a potion all over the pig and he magically turns bigger that breaks the roof]
Belzar: Merick!
[Belzar waves his wand and shoots a spark of lightning to freeze the pig from moving]
[Merick enters the room still weeping off leftovers and catching his
Breath and sees his mentor staring at him angrily while holding the pig in one hand]
Merick oh ooh!
[Belzar poofs up a rope to hold the pig tight]
Belzar: Merick I told you to take care of these animals and not to let them any of them in my quarters and *sniffs* what’s that disgusting smell?
Merick: But he won’t take his leftovers.
Belzar: Merick, this is not the time to play games. We are on the brink of war by Lord Thorn and here you are playing games with this pig? *sighs* I’m very disappointed in you.
Merick: but…
Belzar: No Buts Merick.
[He gives the pig to Merick]
Belzar: Now take the pig and feed him properly!
Merick: Yes sir.
[And he sets off to feed the pig]
[The screen switches to later on when we see the pig eating some leftovers and Merick stands to watch]
Merick: Emmm... Just wait, Belzar. I’ll the greatest knight in the whole of Merivale; I’ll fight warriors and save damsels in distress so I don’t have to work in this farm again.
[He kicks bucket of water. He spots a stick and grabs it pretending it’s a sword]
Merick: I should be doing heroic deeds for Merivale! Not feeding farm animals
[He swings the stick around and some of the animals are afraid, he points the sword at a horse]
Merick: Are you afraid coward? I challenge you to a duel.
Belzar: not quite the sword for a warrior hey Merick!
Merick: Emm [tossing the stick away] I was… uh, petting this horse, [he starts to pet the horse] isn’t he a beauty?
Horse: *neigh*
Belzar: Anyways I have a little job for you Merick. I want you to go up to the witch that lives in the forest and ask for some beetleweed.
Merick: *sighs* not her again?
Belzar: I’m making a potion for one of my clients [whispers] it seems he has a case of “you now what’s”
Merick: Eugh!!
[Belzar gives him some money]
Belzar: Now run along boy. I expect you to be back before nightfall.
Merick: Then can I ride Blackfire, please?
Belzar: Blackfire! I don’t know...
Merick: Please!!!
[Merick makes puppy eyes to convince him to let him ride Blackfire]
Belzar: emmm...well ok. I guess you can ride him for today
Merick: [he jumps for joy] Yay!
Belzar: But be careful, he’s very sensitive.
Merick: I will
[Merick quickly jumps on the horses back and Belzar gives him a bag to put them in]
Horse: *neighs*
Belzar: Remember Merick, Back by Nightfall
Merick: Okay, Okay, okay
Merick then pulls up the horse and their ride up on a path to the forest and to the witch’s house.
[The scene moves too a large, dark castle on the outskirts of Merivale which lies an army of men and monsters below a banister. Out comes the general]
Army: *chants*
General Suko: *shouts* Silence
[The army pause in silence]
General Suko: Henchman, the hour approaches for the end of Merivale. And we shall have a new king, *shouts* King Thorn
Army: *chants* Thorn, Thorn, Thorn
[As the general watches his army, his assistant walks up to talk to him]
Assistant: Sire, the army on the west-bank of Merivale are ready for your orders.
General Suko: Excellent!
Assistant: but… we have captured a boy who heard our plans to invade, what shall we do with him?
General Suko: Just put him in the dungeon with the rest.
Assistant: yes my liege, and the west-bank?
General Suko: Tell them to Strike by Nightfall
[Screen fades to black]
MORE COMING UP SOON
Message By Echi Echi :D :) :) :cool:
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I like it so far! The dialogue is very believeable in my opinion. I'm glad to see you're still going strong with your project.
I am not to the point where I am producing shorts like you, but I have one thought. If you do not use exposure sheet in your work, you could try it out with this one. I would not mind you posting a thumbnail of your progress.
Somethings I'd suggest. Understanding that you're writing and drawing this yourself, I think you'd still benefit from more descriptions. Of the people, the places, and what they are doing. The biggest push in my Script Writing class was less dialouge and more action. We read a sample Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles episode and it had very little dialogue in it.
For instance, the part that stands out most to me is this:
I think you could sell the dialogue in the acting alone. Something like "Merick looks up into the sky and sighs, his whole body slumping as if he has given up on the world"
That's just an example. Hope that helps :)
Ontiaous
Black Anvil Designs©
Here another part of the script. it does need a bit of revising but its a rough script. this part is where the main character (Merick) meets his female lead(Serena).
[We now see Merick in the forest with the horse as the stroll through the path to their destination]
Merick: *whistles*
Merick: now where’s the old lady’s house.
[He gets out his pocket map and looks at it]
Merick: Huh! What was that?
[Merick gets out of the horse and he sneaks up to a bush]
Merick: *gasps*
[He gazes upon a huge camping site of enemy troops getting ready to invade Merick]
Merick: oh no, (frightened)
[Merick steps back to escape but stomps on a tree-branch, which alerts the commander]
Troops: [Shouts] Intruder!!!
[He spots Merick in the bushes and calls out soldiers to chase after him]
Commander: you two get him and don’t let him get away!!
[The henchman chase Merick as he jumps on his horse and tries to escape]
Merick: come on boy, we gotta warn Belzar, we gotta warn Merivale, we gotta warn…
[Merick bangs his head on a tree branch and falls off his horse].
[The soldiers come up to Merick]
Soldier 1: (Laughs) Were going to take you somewhere from home, little runt
[The soldier covers the screen that fades to black] (Commercial)
We see the Guards holding Merick, with his head covered by a rough bag, and are he is then thrown down the dungeon]
[He removes the bag from his head]
Merick: Oh Man, Where I’m I?
[Merick looks around the dungeon in awe on how big it is. With little light, he couldn’t see well so he begins to walk around]
Prisoner: Welcome Young One!
Merick: Huh?
[A crowd of People surround him all covered in rages. Merick seems frightened and takes a step back]
Merick: Who are you people?
Man: Don’t be scared, young one. We too are prisoners here.
Old Man: Here! Eat some food!
[He gives Merick a dish of food but Merick smells it and quickly disgusted by it]
Merick: No thanks!
Man: What is a little boy your age doing here?
Merick: I was on my way to visit someone when I saw an entire army ready to attack Merivale and I tried to warn my people but I was caught.
[Woman enters]
Woman: Ahhhh you poor thing!!
Man: We too have been caught by his greatness and we all served the Dark one but we were forced never to work in his conditions. And for it our homes were destroyed one by one.
Merick: don’t you ever think of escaping?
Woman suddenly cries]
Man: One tried to escape but he never made it across
Merick: Oh
Man: If you want to sleep, you can find someone cosy somewhere
[Screen fades to a later scene. Merick walks up to a girl sitting down staring at the window]
Merick: Who are you?
Serena: my name is Serena
Merick: aren’t you the Elfin Princess?
Serena: Yep
Serena: I don’t know, maybe days or months. It’s hard to tell when you’re down here.
[Serena looks up into the window]
Serena: (Sighs) I remember the day their came to our kingdom…
[Flashback. Elfin Kingdom is raged by an army, Buildings on fire and people screaming]
Serena: [voice] Their raged war on us and destroyed everything. Woman and children even killed.
[Warriors appear and try to fight of invading army]
Serena: [Voice] Warriors fought to defend our people but many failed. I was on my way home when I saw my kingdom on fire. I never knew what was going on until I saw him, the murderer that killed my father.
[We see Serena comforting her father in his dying minutes]
King: my daughter, it’s all up to you now (coughs) you must lead our people to victory, they need you.
Serena: [sobbing] Father, please don’t go!
King: Serena, its my time to go. I’m ever so proud of you. If only your mother was here to see you now, She would be as well
[Struggles to speak] you can do it
[The King dies]
Serena: We fought has hard as we could but his army was too strong. I was knocked out and was then captured.
[Flashback goes back to reality. We see Serena and Merick]
Serena: I never saw my people after that or my kingdom ever again [sighs]
Merick: you know what, that’s it
I’m gonna get you out of here
Serena: What!
Merick: its time to get you home and free all these prisoners.
Serena: and how do you plan to do that? The castle is heavily guarded and these no way out of this dungeon
Merick: Oh right, I thought you might have something
*Serena sighs*
Old Man: I know a way out
Serena + Merick: Huh?
[Serena and Merick see an old man in his cell covered in rags holding a wooden staff]
Old Man: I know a way out of the dungeon
Serena: Really, you do?
Old Man: Yes. My comrades and I built an escape hatch years ago but some never reached the end and some who did were caught and sentenced to death and I managed to escape.
Merick: Right then, we’ll go by nightfall
Serena: But what about these people? We can’t just leave them here.
Merick: well what do you suggest we do you’re highness!
MORE LATER!!!
Message By Echi Echi :D :) :) :cool:
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Hi echi,
The story is coming along nicely. The second part leaves me with a few questions, though. For instance, if the old man knew the way out, why didn't he tell Serena before our hero arrived? Please take into account that I'm not a proffessional writer--just an avid reader, lol--so my opinion may not carry much weight in this area. But I hope it helps anyway! You're doing great.
Pooryorik