Find this completely fabricated news item and other such humorous nonsense at 2DayInAnimation.com. Reprinted with permission.
The coming wave of summer 3D blockbuster movies is expected to push the price of analgesics used to combat headaches up an average of 6% nationwide, according to an FDA spokesman. The big movie studios are gearing up for a huge summer at the box office, with more parents expected to experience more headaches than ever before in history.
Normally a stable medicinal commodity, analgesics, including aspirin, acetaminophen and ibuprofen, have experienced significant retail price fluctuations in recent years based upon key children’s activities that cause more than the usual amount of headaches for parents.
Hollywood’s expanded upcoming summer schedule of 3D movie releases is expected to drive up the demand for pain medications of all types, as parents deal with the increased eye strain brought on by bad 3D projection, cumbersome 3D glasses and confusion as to why the film was released in 3D to begin with. Coupled with children’s incessant demands to be taken to see movies in 3D, along with the increasing costs of 3D movie tickets and concessions in general, this summer’s slate of 3D blockbuster releases is projected to cause enough additional headaches to drive up the price of all painkillers at least 6%.
“Obviously, the economic impact children and young adults have on consumer spending is enormous. What is becoming more and more prevalent is the impact kids have on previously ignored commodity markets that are influenced by the manner in which they treat their parents,” said Fred Garvinovitch, director of the FDA’s Center for Ungrateful Teen Control. “That includes analgesics, prescription pain killers like Vicodin and Percocet, medicinal marijuana and of course, single malt Scotch. All the good stuff.” He went on to explain, “Let’s face it, kids in general and especially on summer break are little fuckers on a quest to suck every bit of life force out of their parents. When they want something, they don’t quit until they get it. While this behavior drives a huge piece of the US economy, it has tremendous consequences on the health of the parents.”
Garvinovitch went on to point out that the increase in the number of 3D movies is not alone on the list of causal factors that have been linked to recent analgesic price fluctuations. Digital connectivity is expanding rapidly among children. Their ability to schedule and coordinate parental harassment based on the upcoming release of movies, games, toys and other consumer items is growing at an alarming rate.
Retail marketing consultant Francisco Dickman was blunt in his assessment of the announcement. “Hello, is anybody home? What do you think drives almost all kids’ consumer spending? For every one time a parent decides ‘Oh, let’s be nice and buy little Jimmy a toy’ there are ten thousand purchases made by parents screaming ‘Die you little bastard’ just to get the obnoxious little fuck to shut up. I get a headache just thinking about it!”
Bastard teen consumer Lance summed it up best when he said, “Dude, if I don’t make my dad rub his forehead and reach for the Advil at least twice each day, then FAIL! I live to fuck with that asshole. I cannot wait to make my parents take me to see The Avengers at least three times!”
Pill image © Pam Roth.