The Animation Pimp: Animation

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Illustration by Andreas Hykade. Courtesy of Chris Robinson. [1]

Okay I’ll be nice this time. Unless you’re very liberal -- and I don’t mean liberal as in voted for Ralph Nader -- I mean liberal in the sense that you: like Mr. Show; appreciate the humour of Tenacious D; don’t necessarily like, but don’t really have a problem with fisting; and/or don’t think getting a handjob from a Vietnamese masseuse is a bad thing -- you probably wanna…umm...bring down your favourites page and go visit one of your super groovy bestest Websites like http://www.ivanfarberspeaking.com [2] or my friend Hayden’s favourite, http://www.schuminweb.com/ [3]

Festivals (Cardiff, Annecy, Stuttgart, Spike and Mike [4]) are always showing so-called erotic animation programmes. Not really erotic per se: the mating habits of animals (Beastly Behaviour), Betty Boop [5], the Avery red head (Red Hot Riding Hood) are not erotic to this here cat. And Buried Treasure? That ol' perverted black & white film about the guy backdooring barn animals and chasing his wee wee around the farm is DEFINITELY not erotic. This is typical given the G.W. Bush dressed as A. Gore reality of the animation community. These sex programs are damn tame my friends. To me erotic means I will be aroused…stiff…hard....umm...alert.. if you will. But hey, okay so they're not erotic, they are called sex programmes on occasion. And who said sex has to be erotic? Still…I beg to differ here because these so-called sex programs are like non-cable TV porn, just a lot of tease. You never get to see pubes in teeth, milk on lips, just a series of corny, obviously faking it, tableaux -- hell, correct that...you don't even get 'faking it'...cause faking it involves two people and few of these programmes ever show two beings doing it, let alone faking it.

So I figured there must be some pretty hardcore work out there and I called up my friend Lee and sure enuff he had three full cassettes of animation porn. I vaguely recall that he and I did a porn cartoon night at a local bar years ago, but I was too drunk to remember the details which I hope is why he has three volumes of animation porn OTHERWISE….

Settlin' Down For Some Good, Ol' Fashioned…
Tape 1 appears to be a series called Filthy Funnys, Vol 4. The films also appear to be German in origin but have been re-dubbed by some L.A. hipsters, who’ve also decided that they must improvise and inject some occasional self-reflexive commentary. First film is called Bungle in The Jungle -- native theme. Two broads (isn’t that what they’re meant to be here?) and a professor-type land on a native island and basically start stick shifting with everyone in site but the sex scenes are far too brief to get me aroused at all and the animation makes DIC cartoons look like umm…whomever ‘you’ think is the best in animation. Oh and jeepers, they make the native fellas look like monkeys, which aside from YOU KNOW…is weird cause heck why do these big bosomed women wanna play around with monkeys? Monkeys transmit lots of nasty diseases too. I hope the women and the prof (whose busy banging some BIG MAMA) got shots ‘cause they ain't wearin' contraceptives. Hey, that’s a funny bit…the prof is tied to a tree and the BIG MAMA swings on a rope to and fro on/off his willie. Hardy HAR. The animation looks like a ‘70s Sheridan College production…but that’s not possible because Sheridan College is in ONTARIO.

Next up is Fucks Pause, Faux Pas and Fox Paws. A fox wakes up, sees a hottie and tries to bang her (he’s also got a HUGE willie), she flees to the rabbit’s house (bring on the Groucho-inspired voice actor) and after the rabbit saves her from the lecherous fox, she and Bugs do the meat dance on every piece of furniture in the house. The fox observes from a window and is somewhat miffed and hey, I don’t blame him. Why is the bunny getting rewarded with the same damn thing the fox wanted? Fox decides to blow the house up with a cannon but bunny blocks the hole with his willie, and shoots his sneeze all over the fox. Out of nowhere the fox turns to a machine for "I Can’t Get No," and then the bunny rides off with the girl. So okay…the animation (low grade Warner style) is passable, even pretty good, but the sex scenes are too fast, performed coldly, frantically and with no love. On top of that, the ‘ink and line’ GIRL is screwin’ a rabbit. Who finds cartoon bestiality erotic? Not me.

Next is Buggery on the High Sea (I give the L.A. hipsters credit for their imaginative titles). This one's got, let's see, a bunny, pig and mouse on a pirate ship. They see an island of…you guessed it!...hotties. But before they can say land HO, some other band of devious cat pirates are already diggin’ for oil. So a fight ensues and the pig’s crew thrashes the cat pirates and boy, it’s nasty! Some sharks bite YOU KNOW WHAT off the cat pirates. Meantime the pig and his pals take a stab at the gals -- who don’t seem to care who their dancin’ with…

HEY, a see saw ride. WOW! That’s not how I remember it.

Meanwhile, the pig and pals roam around the island some more and find dark meat. "Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum." But replace the "r" with a "c." Jesus…this is gettin' weird. Suddenly Dumbo is givin' a gal a hell of an enema. The cat pirates end up in a pot gettin' cooked. I don’t know, this whole animal thing is weirdin’ me out, and the sex scenes are just too brief to give me time to feel anything. THERE IS NO LOVE HERE and Christ, these voice over actors make it worse 'cause they’re tryin’ to be stand ups and they ain't funny in that "laugh WITH us don’t kill us" way. Animation is bearable.

Bowery Boys Meets The Bimbos. Oh boy, the v.o. gang really gets to spread their acting chops but hey, get a load of this technique. It’s silhouette. Looks like a lost Lotte Reiniger film. This is almost festival worthy…and I swear that one of the Mr. Show cast members is doin’ a voice here. He’s almost managing to parody the overacted parody of the other ‘actors.’ And how's about this for improv: "What I see gives my tongue an erection."

Okay…so four guys ‘stumble’ (of course) upon a sorority house where four girls are sittin' on a bed scrubbing the garden. Oh…gee…I think I felt a tinglin' here. But I am not sure if it's for potential ‘real’ girl-girl action or for the orange hued vaguely Fantasia inspired expressionistic backgrounds. Okay so a gang bang ensues and the boys leave. End. Best of the lot so far.

Tarzan Swings Again, not a very inspiring title. Blonde arrives on a native island and the "coons" (their words not mine) want some trim but as the hostile "coons" (their words not mine) approach, Tarzan swings down, grabs their dicks and beats them. No, not the dicks. The "coons" (their words not mine). Jane rewards Tarzan for his bravery with…what’s this…a hand job! Jesus, that’s IT? Frosty the...oh wait...okay no. There’s more and wow, he’s using his rod as a fishing pole, and hey, there’s a big queen mama arrivin’. Tarzan drops Jane and moves onto the Queen, so Jane gets pissed off and starts sharing with the "coons" (you know), which is pretty silly since she didn’t want them to touch her from the beginning. Jesus…finicky beech. Oh and yeah…no arousal here and animation is quite sub-par…lots of cycling.

Arabian Delights: a sheik has gee, a harem. Oh hey...great finally some girl-girl action. Not only does this momentarily arouse me, but it triggers the rest of the harem to pounce on the sheik. Oh damn gee, that’s terrible. Happened to me during my first dance at 15. The tent’s collapsed. Okay so he sees a doc, who gives him some tonic. HA HA HA. He’s growin’ boobs. Oh dear, he drank the wrong potion. Now he finds the male drink, gulps it down and goes nuts…so nuts that he starts shaggin' his male butler. So this works for a while. But now he’s overwhelmed by his task. He can't possibly fulfil the needs of all these women. So he builds this contraption that stimulates all the erogenous zones at once (plastic dildo, nipple puller, gardening glove, back door key).

For umm whatever reason the film has cut off and now we’re watching Sexrise in the Orient. Hmm…title isn't so hot. Oh, I see this is part two...maybe this was a Weimar period serial. Okay, so the machine has blown a fuse and the sheik has do his own dirty work again. But then his willie starts talking to him and it collapses. Doc tells him to sleep and then builds a super computer that will replace this old contraption. But hey, what’s this? It turns out that the doc is hiding in the machine and he’s the one doing all the pleasuring. OH THAT DOC! He’s a sly one. Heh heh. So then as a punishment, sheik makes the doctor take the harem in exchange for a "young hairless boy" (this seems like clever ad-libbed dialogue from those L.A. hipsters). The animation is so bad I think I saw the transparencies moving like in that Coldplay video, but accidentally (and I bet that Coldplay video didn’t even USE cels to begin with).

MEANWHILE my brain is startin' to go numb. Memories of Ottawa selection. [6] I’m not getting aroused at all from this and it’s almost giving me a headache…making me dizzy…everything happens so damn fast. These ‘actors’ (more like bored studio basement dwellers) just keep overplayin’ it. But hey to give them some credit…I can't imagine these films working in German either but maybe the L.A. hipsters have cut these films to pieces. Where are we now…Dracula Sucks. Dracula wakes up and is spankin' the mic. Goes out apparently still hot and bothered (gee takes me a least 15-20 minutes sometimes to get all goin’ again) and he sees this gal walkin' along the road…so he, I guess he knows her, goes into a barn, jumps inside the cow's mouth and then inserts his mic into one of the cow's utters…oh okay I see where this is goin' and sure enough, the gal enters and starts milking the vampire. So okay….Then Jethro comes in and says, "Sweet Analisa’s getting porked by a vampire." He saves her, takes her home, and then well…you know. (I don’t understand this rewarding someone with the same prize that the apparent villain was trying to give the gal in the first place specially since the villain seems to have just as fine equipment as the hero.) Okay...this is dull…Dracula somehow ends up in a meat grinder after trying for another gal. Animation isn't even high schoolish…but the vamp sorta looks like Count Chocula.

No title on this one…couple are lying in bed -- looks like a ‘normal’ festival film so far -- and the woman seems eager to go at it, but hubby is lethargic… could this be a serious expression of suburban alienation? Well sort of… While hubby's at work, wife amuses herself with the chimney sweeper, milkman and postman…oh and she’s got a maid too…and so these two just walk around butt naked either taking care of their gardens or assisting the servicemen. Damn, they don’t appear interested in each other though…oh, and man what’s this? Jeepers, a pop bottle and then a cactus plant…oh, it’s a set up cause the TV repairman arrives and he gets pricked when he enters the wife’s garden. HA HA HA HA

Best one yet is Pimper Power. It starts off like it's gonna be a suburban swing fest and then dissolves into some strange sort of non-narrative piece depicting all sorts of sexual shenanigans. Design ranges from that sort of Playboy illustration to UPA and even some bits that seem out of ‘50-‘60s Polish animation (Jan Lenica [7]). Top marks for keeping it human and aside from willie coming out of a woman's mouth a bit (that is very tired), tain't bad.

Cyber Porn
This is stupid. Let’s see what's online? Found this site called Jumping Jokes: Home of Bizarre Animation. Nothing goin' on here…just found some interactive stuff…conceptual-gag-dada agenda… don’t get me wrong! I AM looking for something interactive, but I was thinking of something more umm…intimate touchy feely like. NEXT! Disney Sex World…that should be plenty interesting…oh dear ‘page not found’…it was there last week...at least that’s what my friend told me…I guess Michael got his legitimate goons on this one…damn I was hoping for some Minnie-Daisy action. Okay this looks hopeful. It’s called Hot Cartoon and there’s a menu of links ranging from Lora Croft sucks and phuks to Scooby phuks, Spiderman, Mickey, Xena and holy...even cute innocent little Casper…although not sure how ghosts do it...well jeeps…let’s check it out…OH DAMN all these pop up boxes sheeeit…STOP…crazy help invasion…okay….calm down…s’alright just close 'em…crap, more opening…UGH ARGH...damn friggin' techno jerks…hold on.

Okay. Under control…closed the boxes. Just leading me in circles…couldn’t find Casper…okay...well somehow I stumbled onto something, but this isn't animation...it’s just colour drawings of Scooby, Shaggy and Fred having a whirl with that non-glasses gal…okay there seems to be some bizarre limited motion pieces involving the Simpsons, Jetsons (George and …I can’t tell if that’s the missus or the daughter) and other assorted cartoonies doing naughty things but looks like I gotta pay a fee to watch, and that ain't gonna happen. Would have been interesting I guess…but do I really wanna see Bart and Lisa…umm...never mind. Seems to be some pretty realistic 3D stuff too.

This toon sex ain't for me. Too cold and weird. Even the worst live-action porns at least TRY to create a friggin' story line to get you all hot and lathered and anticipatory…but hey that’s ok…if ‘you’ wanna get off with this stuff, that’s cool…some folks like sharing spit with animals, food and inanimate objects…so why not animated versions? And heck there seems to be a lot of this stuff out there, so surely more than a handful of people are INTO it.

The Point Is?
So why aren’t the festival programmers getting off their place that ain't their mouths and showing this really outrageous stuff? Even Spike seems to ignore hard core ani porn although he doesn’t mind hard core ani violence.

But hey…Smut duck. It’s all part of animation history…these contributions are just as valid, legit, REAL as legit soft porn like South Park, Beavis and Butthead, Ren and Stimpy [8] and Plympton [9], or even artsy fartsy artists like Wayne Traudt, Suzan Pitt [10] and Erica Russell. All of these works (from Fucks Pause to Buggery on the High Sea) are legitimate forms, expressions, reflections, imaginings from REAL guys and gals like me and ‘you.’

I’m guessing this part of animation history got brushed aside PARTIALLY because of morality and taste (and let’s not forget that these ain’t films you’re gonna find in the Whole Toon Catalogue, so this requires a historian to delve into the secret, lurid world of ADULT ENTERTAINMENT) and that seems to be an illegitimate excuse given that I can argue that some of the stuff that the current group of historians lapdance over is quite politically and socially, to use the original meaning of porn, "disgusting and obscene."

For e.g., Karl Cohen’s book [11] only really deals with lurid underground films in the context of the ‘legitimate’ world -- which is important -- but we need someone to go down into the sewers and find the stuff that doesn’t surface. And what about ol’ Bendazzi… How can he justify excluding the makers of Bowery Boys Meets The Bimbos? Why aren’t these German creators in his encyclopaedia?

Where are the historians uncovering the Golden Shower era? Who made these films? Who distributed them? Why do these films exist? What does the creation of, and apparent need for, these films say about ‘our’ view of sex? Was there a stag party circuit? Did these toons play before live-action porn features? Let’s not limit our definitions of unsung and overlooked figures in animation history to storyboard artists, voice actors and layout men ‘above ground’…cause that’s cow chew…that’s just another case of blatantly subjective and repressive readings of history.

That being said…what I SORTA don’t get is why someone wants to spend so much time creating this sexual world -- whether writer, painter, etc…? I can understand an artist wanting to capture the essence of some great lay they just had…but isn't it easier to go and meet someone…or hell…it’s prolly cheaper to BUY someone. I guess film-video-digital is a better long term investment but just seems kinda sad 'cause there’s no real human. Not touching is like living inside a bubble or being a writer. Course if we didn’t deem aspects of sex between consenting adults IMMORAL, unnatural yadda yadda yadda, we wouldn’t need porn and advertising (isn't that just ‘soft’ porn?) in the first place and we’d all prolly be a lot happier and satisfied. And who the hell wants that?

Chris Robinson is but a man. His hobbies include squirrel taunting, goat thumping, meat dancing and elderly peeping. You can find the results at http://asifa.net/robinson