Increasing Obesity at Studios Driving Up Commissary Costs, Afternoon Nap Rates
- Marketing personnel have a higher prevalence of obesity than all other types of studio workers. This is attributed to the fact that they tend to be lazier and less educated, often choosing high-sugar content snacks with shiny wrappers that can be easily hoarded in desk drawers and eaten quietly at AA meetings.
- Producers and business development staff tend to have the lowest rates of obesity, attributed to the fact that they are often refused food service because no one likes them.
- Game programmers had the second lowest rates of obesity, attributed to the fact that they tend to eat only foods that can be slid under doors.
- 38% of model makers are at risk of becoming overweight, attributed to the growing availability of new, more flavorful plasticine.
- Rates of obesity fluctuate quite significantly within various groups of artistic talent, from animators to game designers. Data suggests certain groups tend to exert more dictatorial control over distribution of the “excellent” snacks, primarily high-sugar items such as Twinkies, Ding Dongs and single-portioned bags of Oreos. More aggressive and popular staff tend to take all the “good stuff,” leaving more healthy but much less desirable “shit snacks” for unpopular staff and temporary freelance workers who are usually ignored and treated as outcasts.
- In the US, studios in southern states display the highest rates of obesity, in part because staffs favor energy drinks mixed half and half with Squeeze Parkay.
- Scandinavian studios still show the lowest overall rates of obesity. This is attributed to the fact that Scandinavians work less hours than all other entertainment workers studied and therefore have more time to devote to activities that counter obesity, such as skiing and having multiple partner intercourse on government-provided bicycles.
- Canadian studios have the highest obesity rates of any country studied, attributed to the fact that Canadians tend to get confused by the concept of cafeteria-style food distribution. They want to be polite and subsequently take a bit of food from each available tray rather than just taking only what they actually want to eat.
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