I kind of suspected this to be bad going in, but I was surprised that it was bad for reasons that I didn't think of. This really isn't a self-contained feature film, but a TV pilot for a bad BUFFY rip-off. Worst line ever contender would have to be — I'm gonna make you my weotch. Sebastian Stan needs to find a new agent.
The story goes as follows: the first born male descendents of the Ipswich colony in Massachusetts begin to develop magical "witch-like" powers when they turn 13, growing in strength until they ascend to full strength at the moment they turn 18. I like how supernatural forces are kind enough to adhere to arbitrary society constructed distinctions of when someone becomes an adult. It makes full strength weotches perfect for military recruitment, but I digress. However, there is a problem — if one uses their powers too much they will become addicted and their body will rapidly age.
Caleb Danvers (Steven Strait, SKY HIGH) is about to turn 18 and his mother Evelyn (Wendy Crewson, EIGHT BELOW) is worried that he will abuse his powers like his father did. Caleb is best friends with another descendent named Pogue Parry (Taylor Kitsch, TV's FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS), who is dating Kate Tunney (Jessica Lucas, SHE'S THE MAN), who is roommates with the cute new girl at their elite boarding school named Sarah Wenham (Laura Ramsey, LORDS OF DOGTOWN), who thinks Caleb is cute. Leather jacket-wearing, motorcycle-ridin' Pogue doesn't like that his girl is getting close to the new boy at school Chase Collins (Stan, RED DOORS). But that's the least of his and Caleb's worries when a random kid turns up dead and they know it's at the hands of someone with weotch powers. Caleb suspects hot-tempered Reid Garwin (Toby Hemingway) or maybe Reid tagalong Tyler Simms (Chace Crawford). But what about the fifth descendent of Ipswich? Could it be cocky jock Aaron Abbot (Kyle Schmid, A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE)? But that bloodline died out. But who would believe that.
First off, the mystery of the fifth descendent is not much of a mystery, because there are only two options and we quickly learn that Aaron is a pointless character. Second, the secret was revealed in the lame trailer. Why would the studio want to reveal such an import secret? Maybe it was so teens wouldn't be distracted while they intently listened to all the exposition explaining the rules of the weotch world. To say the dialogue is clunky would be an understatement. The screenplay by J.S. Cardone commits one of the cardinal sins of screenwriting in that it tells us the story more often than it shows us. Seeing actions played out are far more compelling than hearing someone lay out the facts to us. Sometimes exposition is needed to save time, but this film isn't long and from time to time felt like the editor had cut out huge chunks. Maybe this was out of kindness to the audience, but again I digress.
I'm actually being a bit too harsh. The film isn't unwatchable, but it lacks originality and good feature writing. We don't just get one shower scene, but two of them. One for the ladies and one for the guys. Lots of PG-13 butt crack action going on here. Director Renny Harlin also crams in all the clichéd witch imagery you can image from melting candles to ancient books to black as night eyes. Moreover, the visual effects are hit or miss. A truly awful digital double kicks off the film, but there is some solid work with CG spiders.
However, the worst part goes back to my comment earlier about the film being a TV pilot. The story sets up conflicts that never go anywhere like they are waiting for the sequel. Never once did the film make me worry that the hot young weotches were going to turn into wrinkled old men because they used their powers too often, despite beings told this could happen a million times over. While the tale comes to an inevitable conclusion, the finale never brings all the threads together and abandons too many characters, making us wonder why they were needed in the first place. The unfinished conflicts seem like set-ups for plotlines to come later in the season. So the script as is could have worked a lot better if it were made for TV. However, its attempts at pop culture jokes would have made it a C-grade BUFFY wanna-be even on the small screen. But a C is much better than the D- it scores as the feature film.
Rick DeMott
Animation World Network
Creator of Rick's Flicks Picks
