A Charlie Brown Christmas
Charlie Brown finds that he does not understand Christmas. The rituals of decorating and gift buying do not give him any pleasure. To help him, Lucy suggests that he direct the xmas play. He agrees but then finds he cannot control his smug, ignorant classmates. After picking up a dying little green tree (instead of a big aluminum one) to improve the spirit, Charlie Brown is heckled and insulted by his classmates. In frustration he demands to know what xmas is about. As always, philosopher Linus is there to save the day. With the lights dimmed, Linus recounts the nativity scene. Gifts were brought to the Christ child who was sent here to save us. Now being a heathen I find that story a bit loosey goosey but hey, it's the fact. Christmas is a Christian celebration. A poorly interpreted fairy tale of a fairy tale. But hey, Chuck is right; how did we go from gifts of an aroma, a tree and a yellowish metal from rock deposits to Playstation, Pokemon and roller blades? Good grief.

The PJs: How The Super Stole Christmas
A man catches a kid shoplifting, bounds and gags him and locks him in a trunk while he tells the story of a superintendent who almost 'jacked' Christmas. The super (voiced by Eddie Murphy) is pressured to get his wife a computer...but failing to receive any tip$ from the apartment tenants he can't afford it. While xmas shopping at the local pawnshop he makes a desperate deal with the 'shriner' capped owner to become a repo man in exchange for the computer. The super accepts and begins sneaking around the neighbourhood repossessing items from his friends. Turns out that the reason folks couldn't make their payments was because they pooled their money to buy the super a new sofa chair.

This is, and yeah I'm speaking from suburban middle class whitey perspective, one of the most realistic, down to earth xmas pieces I've seen. The humour is biting: a tree is decorated with asbestos droppings; a man's xmas bonus is whatever he can get pawning; the pawn dealer tries to sell back the super the watch he bought his wife last xmas; silent night is sung between spurts of gun fire and police radio calls. Best of all the sugarcoated sentimentality we're usually force-fed is DOA And hey...any show that portrays Jesus as a poorly decorated baked potato and uses "beeatch" not once, but two times, is damn fine in the Pimp's books. There is something close to conventional narrative resolution: the super sells his chair to get money to buy back the items he repossessed from his friends. The confused 'shrine' capped guy asks the super why he is doing this. The super says he's doing it for one reason: "There is no 'I' in friendship."

In the final shot, the neighbours discover that the super was the repo man and beat the crap out of him. The truth ain't pretty but, like a bowel movement, it's necessary. It's life.

Epilogue
It seems to me that if we want to extend the spiritual element of joy to our lives, it's a simple matter of respect. Respect the values, concerns and beliefs of those we SHARE the world with. And hey, I've got a long way to go, so it's not like I'm speaking from Mount Olympus. But it seems increasingly clear to me that in order to find the tools to improve yourself and those around you, you're gonna need to live. You don't practice for ice hockey by playing a video hockey game. You don't practice for life through a television screen. You learn by doing. As a friend told me recently, "You got to take life in your hands and fuck it up."

If all that fails, there are always narcotics and liquor. Here's my recipe for a potent old-fashioned that will make every xmas joyous.

Get a nice bourbon glass (NO ICE and NO WATER):
1. 1 teaspoon of sugar
2. 3 dashes of angostura bitters
3. Mix the two until the sugar is brown
4. Add a half slice of lime, lemon and orange
5. Throw in as much Canadian Club as you need (1-3 ounces)
6. Take a drink stick and mash up the fruit. Take occasional sips and keep mashing the fruit until the taste meets your satisfaction (after 2 of these satisfaction will come quicker)
7. Add a cherry for show
8. Drink, savour and watch the xmas blues fade away as family and friends become loveable and huggable with each swur...oops...I mean...slur-inducing gulp.

Hottie Animator of the Month
Kunyi Chen (Subida). Because she is and because I said so.

Chris Robinson is a writer, festival director, programmer, junky and has been called the John Woo of diplomacy. His hobbies include horseback riding, pudpulling, canoeing and goat thumping.