When Plato, through Socrates, said, "Wisdom begins at home," he wasn't suggesting that we sit round the television. But like the book, radio, theatre, cinema and vaudeville show before it, people like to be elsewhere (in a brain sense) and as such television has become the fountain of what we call wisdom today. Television is a guide. It gives us dreams. It gives us breath. Television is our blue pattern for life. Television gives us stereotypes and clichés. Television gives us parts of a whole. Television simplifies. We apply sitcom principles to reality. Our mistake is not filtering the residue from those images before stepping outside.

But hey there's hope; there's always hope until there isn't. Ponder that while you're sitting on the sofa half corked on rum and eggnog with the kids watching the annual xmas specials, cause you ain't gonna find much value in these tinseled toons.

How The Grinch Stole Christmas
On the surface it looks great. A miserable prick is so jealous of his happy neighbours that he decides to rob and loot them. Turns out that they don't care. They have each other. They have songs. They don't need gifts. In turn they forgive the remorseful Grinch and invite him to dinner. Now that's a good lesson: forgive thy neighbour. Hmm...kinda reminds me of...umm...well...never mind. But hey, let's face it, the film does not feel complete until the presents are returned and the food is gorged. They tease you with this spiritual stuff, but then walk away from it in the end. Christmas is not complete. Forgiveness and understanding is nothing without a big table of food and a whole lot of toys! Amen.

A Christmas Carol
Okay, better still is Ebeneezer Scrooge. Dante loathed avarice and Scrooge is the textbook example. He is the seven sins in one. His life is defined by money: how to make more and spend less. But the old sod doesn't even enjoy his money. He's just a lonely, repressed, bitter s.o.b. And yet despite ruining everyone's lives he is forgiven overnight! How exactly did he purge his sins to earn this path from hell to heaven? A visit by four ghosts. That's it. The guy had a bad night's sleep, awakens scared to the core, and is eager to change. Gee...s'like when you wake up with a raging hangover determined never to drink again. By nightfall, you're guzzling a beer and another and another... Anyway...is Scrooge really forgiven? Bob Cratchett is not exactly a man of principles. He's a boot licker. Scrooge enslaved him and he enjoyed it...so when Scrooge shows up at the door with a bag of gifts and some turkey, do you really expect Bob to say, "Umm...sorry you old coot, but piss off, you're not welcome here?" Of course not, Scrooge still pays the bills. Cratchett has no choice but to welcome Scrooge in, and hey, even if it is a momentary transformation, at least they got some good grub. Our idea of villainy is as screwed up as our idea of heroism.

Dickens was a twerp.

Olive the Other Reindeer/Robbie the Reindeer
I really wanted to like these two 'hip' pieces. Both are stylish, modern and filled with a wealth of nudge-wink references. Robbie is the work of Rex the Runt guru Richard Goleszowski. Robbie shows up at Santa's domain to replace his retired dad, Rudolph. Within he meets a villainous Blitzen (still boiling over Rudolph's stardom); the Louise Brooks tinged tramp, Vixen, and a wealth of other cookie cutter characters. Beyond that it's the usual good vs. evil, good Robbie gets good, but dull, chick (my blood boiled when I realized that a COUPLING was on the way) and xmas is saved...I guess.

Meanwhile Olive is umm...not even crap...it's fake crap. A dog (Olive) mistakenly believes that she is needed to save Christmas. Olive. All of. Get it. Heh heh. She is accompanied by a greaseball 'ethnic' penguin and chased by an evil mailman who wants to stop xmas from happening. The message? When you get through the clutter of politically correct pop culture hipness (e.g. Drew Barrymore as Olive, Michael Stipe as a reindeer! Wow...way to go!), there ain't much to this except the usual, "I can be whatever I want to be," philosophy. Ain't a bad philosophy, but when you're a dog and your desire is to be a reindeer, the words psychotic and delusional come to mind. But hey, both films LOOK great. So if you're looking for a one-night stand with a big busted, peroxide haired bimbo lacking conversational skills then by all means check out these two, babes.

South Park: Mr. Hankey
Ok...now this South Park xmas episode is funny. The idea of a kid believing that a talking piece of shit comes up the toilet bowl every year to bring gifts to fiber fueled kids is a fine ode to the ribald tradition. And the quartet of foul mouthed, self-absorbed greedy children is damn close to the true nature of children at xmas. As with most of their episodes, the creators ridicule fundamentalist and politically correct tendencies of religious and social groups by being as politically incorrect as possible (e.g. Kyle's self-hating Jew song, Cartman's glorious rendition of "Kyle's Mom's a Bitch"). S'like a kid yanking his dick out of his buddies' car window so he can take a leak. It's initially shocking, and then it makes you chuckle until his endless waving and shouting just becomes embarrassing.

The great characters of Shakespeare's plays were the fools. They were loutish and obnoxious...but also the wisest and most perceptive characters in the plays. Parker and Stone are no fools.