With its sweet tone, Laura’s Star would make a great family movie for U.S. markets. © 2004 Rothkirch/Carton-Film Warner Bros. Ent. GmbH/Cometfilm GmbH/MaBo-Investitions GmbH.

Thanks to The Triplets of Belleville, the legitimacy of European animated films has been established in the States. A Euro-niche market, properly speaking, does not presently exist in the United States, however. But that’s the good news… and where you come in. More or less in order: France, Italy, Spain, Germany, Russia, Luxembourg, Ireland, England and Belgium are the happy hunting grounds of predilection, but you’ll want to keep an eye on Eastern Europe, like Hungary and Estonia, where the tradition goes deep. Heck, even the Commies will come to the bargaining table now!

Stand and Buy Me
Why am I telling you all this? Because I like ya, son. Why don’t I do it if I’m so sure? Do I look like a distributor to you? I do? Why can’t Europeans sell their features in the States themselves? Beekawz zer ar zees problemzez mit der langvedj und zumtimez dere eez sum teets und azzes und zeez uhzer tings vich vould not werk in der Shtates but vich a deeztribooter kewd feex und make pretty-pretty und eet is verry fahrr und yoo poot ketchoop on eveeryzing. Change the titles, dub the voices (chances are you won’t even need celebrity voices, but your call), edit, remix the music… that’s what Streamline did. The difference is you’re unlikely to be getting death threats from otaku for the macekre (“massacre,” or editing original programs to suit North American tastes), like Streamline’s president Carl Macek did.

And why not take a cue from the recently created ex-Miramax/Disney The Weinstein Company and do a limited release in select cities for Oscar qualification before going to DVD? Oops, just blew your chance to score… they’ve got $490 million burning a hole in their pocket.

What’s this? A fax from Nigeria? Some 419 films available immediately?! Cheap? Mmmm…

Chris Panzner is an unapologetic provocateur and a proud sponsor of self-aggrandizement. He recently created production and distribution company Eye & Ear.