2000-2004 A.D. Non-Specific Internet Spread Attacks
There is documented evidence that the ASIFA Zombies have infiltrated the World Wide Web (aka Internet). This is a most alarming development. According to O’Conkie, if any non-zombie member makes any attempt to push forward any type of activity, the ASIFA Zombies immediately turn their computers off. The silence stops all activity. The danger here is that eventually, the non-zombie becomes frustrated and impatient, and, within a very short time period, takes on the form and characteristics of a zombie.

2004 A.D. Montreal, Quebec
The most recent reported attack once again comes from Montreal, Quebec, located in the Eastern region of Canada (pronounced CAN-A-DA like SAL-A-DA). Thanks to former animator, Ryan Larkin, we were able to uncover a number of new zombies on the ASIFA-Canada board. When none of the board members were able to coherently suggest any candidates for the Norman McLaren Award, the president, Pat Lafontaine (a former all-star curler and non-zombie) proposed that the award be given to Mr. Larkin. Despite their unfamiliarity with Mr. Larkin, the board agreed. But within days, Lafontaine was under attack from many Montreal area zombies who moaned something about “McLaren,” “grave,” “turning” and “ice cream machine.” Again, these particular zombies were assumed to have been long dead. Lafontaine, clearly unhinged by the situation, did what you all must do when faced with zombie attacks: flee to a higher ground. This decision saved Lafontaine’s life. It might very well save yours.

Ten Ways to Stop the ASIFA Zombie

1. There are some reportedly zombie-free ASIFA regions in California (San Francisco and, incredulously, Hollywood), New York and France. There may be others, but why take a chance? Avoid all other ASIFA chapters!
2. Do not hug anyone under any circumstances.
3. Stay clear of the Canadian chapter or the so-called central organization, ASIFA-International. These are the two most dangerous regions. The best way to deal with these particular zombies is to cut (“blades,” notes Brooks, “don’t need reloading.”) or shoot their head off (no blowguns please). When confronted by the Canadian chapter, insist on speaking English. This will cause the zombie’s head to explode. Failing that, we suggest that you run. Do not drive a car. If you have a car, get out and walk, run or bike.
4. Do not scream. There is no time.
5. Dress for survival. If you do find yourself a Canadian or international meeting, wear baggy clothes (preferably t-shirts advertising any recent Pixar or Richard Rich film) that can accommodate shoulder, elbow, shin and kneepads. A hockey or bike helmet is also a necessity.
6. As a precaution, avoid any and all “boards” or “associations.” These zombie-drenched bureaucracies seek to lure naïve and ambitious people (especially the young) and frustrate them with silence, apathy and deafness.
7. It has been confirmed that ASIFA Zombies attempts to lure recruits through moving images, especially those of a sensitive, intimate, powerful, poetic (a.k.a. touchy feely) or epic nature. The list is by no means complete, but try to avoid any films by Norstein, Purves, Schwizgebel, Pummell, Quay, McLaren, Petrov, Dudok De Wit, Servais, Drouin, Back, Raamat. As we gain more evidence, we will add more names to the list. These films will make you weep and gasp, while destroying all remaining internal humor senses.
8. If you see a beret, always open fire.
9. It’s true that these individuals cannot be blamed. They are the victims of a larger structural influence, but if you show any weakness, they WILL kill you. Do not shed a tear until you are certain you are safe.
10. Loudly discuss your fondness for Star Wars, Star Trek, Pixar and Mike Judge.

If you stay aware, you’ll stay alive.

Chris Robinson is little more than a man. In his spare time he cares for the elderly. www.animationpimp.com.