Insignificant and occasionally interesting contributions to the cognition of reality…

Illustration by Andreas Hykade. Courtesy of Chris J. Robinson.

I don’t have cable but I managed to get a hold of these new primetime adult cartoons showing on TNN, Spike TV, Bud, Guy, Dude, Sociopath, Yo, Big Daddy, Old Man or whatever the fug this Viacom-owned network aimed at closeted breeders afraid of real-life women is called. These new toons are apparently gonna be full of raunch and ‘tude. No kiddies, housewives or sissy boys allowed here. The opening credit starts with a bang: CARTOONS FOR F**CKING ADULTS (and for the blind, a narrated interpretation of those words: “Cartoons for BLEEEP Adults.” Wow… this is gonna be some raunchy kick-ass stuff cause man they really seem to mean it. Real edgy stuff. Must be since they’re sorta using REAL heavy words like F**K. I’m a little ashamed to admit that I’m not really hip on the slang their using. What does F**K mean? Apparently, when spoken, it translates into a beeping sound, like that of an answering machine. So, sorry, I’m not entirely sure what it all means, but it must be real bad.

First up is Striperella. I twitch when I see creative consultant: Pam Anderson. There are two writers. One of the first, and best, lines is: “Show me Some Titties!” Hey, is that the REAL Pam Anderson? Ya gotta figure that this animated version must in fact be more real than the living cut-and-paste one. Sort of a Playboy cartoon meets Marvel Comics look. The plot of the first episode seems to be about thin models chubbing out. Apparently the characters know that their dialogue and actions are stupid because they are continually commenting on them ala Groucho Marx. Ha ha. It’s funny, especially the 21st time. Chief Stroganov is Striperella’s boss. Get it? Stroganov is a type of food. Two writers.

I’m on to episode #2. This cheap Jon Lovitz-sounding villain is actually pretty funny… oh..wait… here it comes… FINALLY… the TITTIES! Hey… wait a minute! How come it’s all blurry where their boobies should be? It’s what, 10:00 or 11:00 pm. The whole premise of this evening is to celebrate the unmentionable — and apparently the unseeable too. Maybe you need special glasses or earplugs. Strange, cause they aren’t really titties per se, they’re digitally rendered impressions of ideal titties. I guess the problem is that the creators have never actually seen any titties. That would explain it. That makes sense, cause, I mean, why on earth would you blur out not-real titties? It’s not like they’d be fleshy titties, just drawn titties that don’t really exist anywhere but on a harddrive or, more likely, a floppy disk.

There’s nothing really erotic about this show unless you’re 10.

Someone said this is sexist. They’re right. It’s pretty demeaning to men.

Gary the Rat
I spent all my sarcasm so phuck ME, IT and YOU.

Ren & Stimpy
For the record, I don’t find John K’s films all that funny (although when I saw Jose — this Ottawa animator and real funny guy who I last saw looking for pain relief for some dental work at shoppers drug mart — ‘appearing’ as the bartender in the new Ren & Stimpy’s, I did laugh — for a minute), but I also happen to think that “Man’s Best Friend,” (most of) “Boo-Boo Goes Wild,” and the first two ‘new’ Ren & Stimpy’s that I saw are brilliant.

I love Kricfalusi’s, ‘I’ll stop when I fucking feel like it’ sense of timing. Unlike most animators, Kricfalusi stretches a scene, not to make something funny or to overplay some joke for the schmuck who missed it, but to hold onto some dark, grotesque moment (like a booger hanging from a nose) and squeeze every ounce of pain, tragedy and humiliation out of it. Sure we laugh a little, but then the laughter is replaced by an awkward silence, then a bit of frustration, even anger, then you become disturbed and then start laughing again… and then it all just becomes kinda surreal, like you’ve smoked some Dutch skunk. In these little moments, Kricfalusi takes us through a boomerang of emotions.