Fathers of Night
My dad once told me…
My father taught me…
My father used to tell me…
My father used to say…
Sweet fuck all.
Nothing.

Two fathers.
One grandfather.
No Virgils.

—-

Background
Father #1: Born fatherless.
Father #2: Grandfather till age five or so.
Father #3: Not Really My Pops. Cop. Abusive. Split.

I was supposed to write about The Street today. Instead I saw my first dead person.

Forget that “they look asleep” stuff… no… this guy looked BEYOND sleep, looked like the breath had been sucked right out of him… remember the way that bounty hunter at the beginning of Attack of the Clones got all shriveled up… well…it was something like that.

This once-man was my grandfather.

Everything stopped, and didn’t.

Meaningless Memories of Unlikely Foreshadowing #1
Just before my uncle left the night before he said, “don’t go anywhere.”

Relatives arrive. Smiles. Daze, haze and craze. Everyone looking for distractions so we remember to forget.

Grandfather Always Used to Tell Me
“Your grandmother always considered you her son.”

Meaningless Memories of Unlikely Foreshadowing #2
I left about 12 hours before he died. As I was leaving I saw that his watch had stopped.

Uncle Once Told Me
During the 10-year exile from my grandparents, I later learned that they used to drive by my schools just to have a look at me.

Charlie Chaplain
Chaplain arrives. No one wants to speak at the service. Baffles me. How can you not want to SAY something, ANYTHING about your father?

I don’t really WANT to speak, but need to.