Illustration by Andreas Hykade. Courtesy of Chris Robinson.

“This philosophy recognizes as the true thing, not the thing as it is an object of the abstract reason, but as it is an object of the real, complete man.” — Deion Sanders, The Essence of Primetime.

Moving image assholes are a dime a dozen these days. Beginning with Jackie Gleason and Fred Flintstone, all the way along to Basil Fawlty, Alan Partridge, Larry David, the cast of Seinfeld, Tony Soprano, Ted Danson (Becker), Al Swearenger, TV is a flood with them.

Heck… I just read a bio about Robert Mitchum, and man, what an asshole. Drank like a Finn. Didn’t give a pea about ANYone especially himself. Occasionally liked to smack men and women (no sexist he) around for no particular reason. Remember those roles in Night of the Hunter and Cape Fear? Weren’t none to far from the land that be.

In cartoon world, Fred Flintstone wasn’t even the first, second or third all-out asshole. Before him there was UPA’s Pete Hothead, a man who ran around screaming like a jackass over the slightest set back. Before that… there was Daffy Duck and hell… even Bugs Bunny. In truth, isn’t Bugs more of an asshole than Daffy? Daffy clearly has a neurological disorder and is hardly conscious of his deeds. Bugs, though, is clearly in full possession of his faculties and quite conscious of his evils.

But these folks are farm team material compared to the master ass of them all: Donald Duck. He’s the Gordie Howe of assholes. Seventy years. That’s quite an achievement. Yes sirree. I’m 37. I’m sure you’ll agree that I’ve had many asshole moments in my life, but I’d be hard pressed to say that I’ve been an ass — or even arse-hole my ENTIRE life. I’ve had minutes, hours, days… maybe even weeks where I’ve been as close to angelic as me or you are likely to get. Donald, though, has been an asshole during EVERY minute moment of his existence. That takes a special type of creature. Not even Donald Trump can match that — yet.

Just before and after viewing entries for Ottawa 04 (which left me in a bit of Donald state), I sat down and watched the latest Disney Treasures: On the Front Line, and Chronological Donald. Like most I’ve always liked Donald. Found him ridiculous and loved seeing him spaz out over every slight setback. However, watching them again without the abstract lenses of youth, I found the character frustrating and tragic.

In Donald’s debut, Wise Little Hen, we’re introduced to a greedy, anti-social, smug character with an obvious anger issue. Mother Hen wants his help to plant some corn, but Donald feigns a stomachache and refuses. In Donald and Pluto, Donald figures he can fix the plumbing even though he’s clearly never done it before. He ends up frustrated and angry and fucks up Pluto’s peaceful day. Incredibly, Donald takes no blame for the foul-ups. He pins it all on Pluto. Nice.

Donald appears in many of the war shorts and again, his arrogance causes endless havoc. He screws everything up and the one time he does succeed in destroying a Japanese airbase, it’s completely by chance. Not exactly a positive spin on army life: “Hey kids, any asshole can be a soldier!”

In Don Donald, our hero picks a fight with a chick… and loses. And… get this… also manages to get into a fight with a car! In Modern Inventions, Donald visits an exhibition and before he’s through the door is fighting with the hatcheck robot. There is one interesting moment later in the film when Donald pretends to be a baby. Here, he is thoroughly at peace with himself. Never has he been happier.

Donald is feckless and blames everyone when things don’t go the way he doesn’t even know he wants them go. Hindering his social life is his inability to be understood. The guy cannot articulate a single fucking word with sputtering all over the place. If he’d slow down and think a bit, maybe he’d have fewer fights (hmm… I’m having a déjà vu).