Illustration by Andreas Hykade. Courtesy of Chris Robinson.

I’m supposed to get an award tonight. Figure it’s a prank being pulled one Hayden Mindell, a former OIAF employee who was the victim of two nifty jokes in L.A. and Ottawa. The last one occurred about two to three years ago, but I keep waiting for that day when Hayden has his revenge. And hell, I’m so accustomed to being called a retarded asshole by some of you JL freaks that when someone wants to celebrate something I’ve done, I figure that there’s got to be a catch.

The award will be the last thing of the evening. Fuck me. My heart is pounding all night. Yes… I’ve no problem hosting every OIAF or SAFO screening or introducing filmmakers… not a problem at all… but when the spotlight is on me… I get flush, eyes down, heart races. If someone yells at me or pushes me… well that’s easier. I can always slug them or hurl insults. But a compliment… Shutter shivers and shits. “Thank you’ seems unsatisfactory and cliché. Maybe a good ol’ “FUCK YOU” would liven it up.

Okay… but that’s not why I’m writing. As I’m sitting here nervously watching the proceedings, I discover something very disturbing. First, let me give you the setting. The ASIFA-East festival announces the awards in different categories: student, commissioned, independent. There are about three to four awards given and then the films from that section are screened. There’s a lot of applause. I’d say four applauses per person. Applause when they go to the stage, leave the stage, film starts, film ends. That’s a lot of applause. It’s too much really when you consider that the applause BEFORE and AFTER the announcements always fall short.

Not one winner made it to the podium before the applause ended, nor did they return to their seat before the second round of clapping collapsed. In both cases, the winner, betrayed and abandoned by the audience, was left walking alone in silence. So, for example, Karen Aqua went up to get her experimental award… but as soon as she hit the stage the applause had completely faded, leaving her with a long, uncomfortable walk across the stage. You hear the crickets. The return home was even worse. AS soon as Karen reached the floor, she was faced with a long walk down the aisle in silence. It was like everyone else had moved on. She meant nothing to them now. “Yes, dear… you got your nice piece of paper, but be a good girl and hurry back to your seat will you. Times a wasting. We need to move forward.”

Okay, so I’m freaked out now. I do NOT want to walk across the stage in front of a silent audience. I mention the problem to my two ex-RISD wingnut seatmates, Fran Krause (Mr. Smile) and Jesse Schmal (Sub, Kids Next Door). After a few more announcements they too notice the problem.

We discuss the setbacks of applause, specifically its superfluity. Why four rounds of applause? It seems too much, especially in light of the front/back end shortage. But if we just have an applause when the winner goes up… he/she is then left with a very awkward and LONG walk back to their seat. If anything, we need more front/back end applause. Maybe people are saving it up for the films. A long applause during the announcements would tire their arms (remember the crowd is comprised of people who make a living with their hands).

Okay… so let’s focus on the films. Applauding before a film is just wrong. How do we even know its any good? No one applauds before a film at festivals or in cinemas. Course some would argue that we should applaud the person just for making the film to begin with. Perhaps, but what if the film promotes a value you find reprehensible? PES’s new film promotes urinating in the ocean. I prefer lakes. How can I applaud his film? Can I now turn my back on that film after I’ve already applauded it? Seems a bit deceitful to me.

Okay… so we can certainly knock off pre-film applause. No good can come of it. No one will be hurt by its absence and it will, most importantly, give the audience additional strength for the announcement applause.