Mark "Count Vladimir" Simon. All images courtesy of Mark Simon.

Velcome. Velcome. I can help you with your job search. Having hired many assistants over the years (most of mine keep dropping dead), I haf noticed what vorks on résumés.

One thing I haf noticed is that most résumés suck... and I know a thing or two about sucking. If you want to get a job faster, stop writing your résumé according to old standards that never worked.

Don't worry. I'm not going to leave you in the dark. Sink your fangs into these stories and see if they sound familiar.

Lillian sat down to write her résumé again. Graduation was only two weeks away and she was ready to get a paying job. Even though she knew that she had excellent communication skills and that she was a team player, it didn't feel right to use these phrases when she knew that employers read most of the same things on every one's résumé. How can she present her qualifications and training without sounding trite or boastful?

Dan knew that being a freelancer meant that there would be slow times, but the current slow time was turning into an eternity and he needed to get work fast. The art director looked at his résumé for only a few moments and then shook her head no as she handed it back to him. She said, "Clearly you have some experience at a lot of things, but I can't figure out from your résumé what you do. I really need some one who specializes in digital illustration." Why can't people figure out vhat he does from his résumé?

Jennifer was ready to work again after staying at home with her daughter, Haley, for the first three and a half years of her life. Before Haley, Jennifer was moving up rapidly in her animation career. Now Jennifer thought she needed to start over again, but she was afraid that the three and half year gap in her career would keep her from getting any good jobs. How can she be honest on her résumé and not have the gap hurt her?

These are all true stories. Few people truly enjoy writing their own résumé. Some people are uncomfortable writing anything about themselves. Others don't know what to put or they're unsure about the format. Still others use word processing templates or do it the way they were taught in school and the results are disastrous. You can have a résumé that gets you an interview if you just avoid biting into the Top Five Résumé Writing Mistakes.

Top Five Résumé Writing Mistakes

1. No job title at the top of the résumé.

2. Too much irrelevant information.

3. Presentation of work experience does not show qualifications effectively.

4. Dates create an unfavorable impression.

5. Objective statement states what you want from the company not what how you can advance the company's goals.

If you avoid the top five mistakes, of the 42 listed in my book, Your Resume Sucks!, you will make the employer very happy because you've made his job easier. Most employers get hundreds of résumés for one job opening and each one gets a couple of glances before it's sorted into one of three places: Trash, Maybe Pile or the Interview Pile.