I warned you, didn't I? Last month I told you that I could blow up at any minute, but did you believe me!? Well... maybe you did believe me, BUT I'M BLOWING UP ANYWAYS! This is the month that I finally reveal some of the horrible, embarrassing, disgraceful games that I have had the distinct displeasure of spending time with and, boy, do I have some pitiful contenders for you to check out. I mean, seriously, these are the kind of games that make Nazis look good!

Don't get me wrong, I still think that video games are awesome and I still believe that games are one of the greatest forms of animation in existence, but you know that nasty, greasy skin that forms on the top of old soup? Well that's what these games kind of remind me of, only much worse. In a way, you can't even consider these things video games; they're more like interactive B movies! Well, let's get this show on the road. Take a deep breath and try to hold back the gag reflex as we venture through a video game landfill in this month's edition of "Press Start"!

The Wii version of Obscure: The Aftermath adds insult to injury as the worst iteration of a terrible game.

Obscure: The Aftermath for the Nintendo Wii; Publisher: Ignition Entertainment; Developer: Hydravision; Release Date: March 25, 2005; ESRB Rating: M for mature; Genre: action/horror; Players: 1-2; Support: N/A; Online: N/A

Oh, the Horror
Now this is one hell of a piece of trash! You have to be a real pro to make something this bad. This, my friends, is Obscure: The Aftermath. The reason why it's called "aftermath" is because this is a sequel to a mediocre game simply called Obscure. It's about... OK, if you've seen any scary movie that involves stupid teens getting ripped apart, then just imagine that, but in game form. You got these kids that killed their teachers and now they're in college! I know, I know; it's moronic, but just thank God that I had to play this thing and not you.

The beginning of the game shows some kid driving down a country road and talking about going to college, while casually mentioning the murders of his teachers, as this overly heartfelt music plays in the background. The freakin' music sounds almost like the theme song from Dawson's Creek; how the hell do you decide to play music like that while having someone talk about a murder? Obscure: The Aftermath is an action/horror game that has been released on three platforms: PC, the PS2 and the Wii. Why the hell they decided to release this game on the Wii is beyond me, but it makes for the worst iteration.

To get the most out of Obscure: The Aftermath, you may wish to consider using the game disc as a Frisbee. © Ignition Entertainment USA.

Shoot Me! No Wait, Shoot the Designers!
Hydravision decided to add a bunch of motion-sensitive controls for the Wii version just for the hell of it and, sure enough, they turned out to be more bad than good. The camera is controlled by pointing the Wii remote at the screen and moving it in the direction that you need the camera to turn. What makes this ridiculous is that the Wii remote must be pointed directly in the center of the screen at all times or else the camera will just constantly spin in one direction. You would think that the one good thing about Aftermath is the fact that it can be played co-operatively. NO! They screwed that feature up as well by having the camera only follow player 1, so that if you do happen to dupe a friend into playing this thing with you, then he's gonna be pissed at the fact that he won't be able to see his character as he plays.

The story makes no sense and tries to push the stereotypical "wild teenager" mannerisms way too hard. Apparently the kids are hooked on this new drug made from a black flower that has been growing around the college. Only, the black flower gives them horrible nightmares, leaves them with physically painful side effects and doesn't seem to get them high at all, so you think to yourself "why the hell are they taking these things if they aren't getting anything good from it?" The dialog is another aspect that suffers from the "wild teenager" formula; every so often you will hear kids talking about something sexual or gross and, because the voice acting is so bad, you can almost picture the voice actors in a studio recording these phrases to be plugged in the game just for the sake of being sexual or gross.

The Game Disc Is More Fun as a Frisbee
Apparently this game was made to be a horror-fest, but it's not. The sound effects are totally out of place; for example, players will come to a field where there are dead bodies hanging from fence posts and, whenever a player attempts to strike one of the bodies with a weapon like a bat, you'll hear the sound of someone screaming. It makes no sense -- why the heck would we hear a scream? Shouldn't we hear, like, a thud? To make matters even more ridiculous, when you hit the bodies that are stuck on a fencepost, they bounce around like a Bozo Bop Bag. I mean, c'mon! Is this what Hydravision thinks is scary?! Nothing about Obscure: The Aftermath comes together; bad dialog, bad story, out-of-place presentation, horrible control and no lasting appeal. On the other hand, if you think about it, everything actually does come together. But it stinks!