Two Drink Minimums

Okay… remember Toy Story 3? No? Umm… the one about talking toys. Okay…well, near the end of the film, the toy gang is heading towards a fiery death pit. They all hold hands, prepared to face fate together. There is absolute TERROR in their eyes. This is IT. Naturally… they’re saved…  Shame cause if it ended there, this would have been an existential masterpiece on par with The Seventh Seal. No, better than The Seventh Seal. Max Von Sydow is an amateur compared to cowboy Woody.

Wall-E

Nice Buster Keaton start then I stopped caring when fatties appeared. Hippies will love it.

Persepolis

Persians are cool. Not Marla though. She’s smell like stale banana gum and pork.

Beavis and Butthead Do America

Do. Heh.

South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut

Cole Porter wishes he wrote Uncle Fucker. Well, he would if he wasn't worm shit. Well, did ya evah!

Stink, Stank, Stunk

A Goofy Movie, (1995), Dir: Kevin Lima

Remember when The Simpsons had that episode where the producers of Itchy and Scratchy added the dog named Poochie to make the show more hip to younger viewers? Well, Goofy has a son named Max.

Anastasia, (1997), Dir: Don Bluth and Gary Goldman

Set in the days of the last Tsar (Nicholas II) of Russia, an orphan named Anya, hoping to find out her true identity. Littered with bad songs and historical inaccuracies, it’s probably best that the real Anastasia didn’t survive her family’s slaying. I bet the whole family would choose execution over watching this.

A Shark Tale, (2004), Dir: Bibo Bergeron, Vicky Jenson, Rob Letterman

This tepid Finding Nemo inspiredcoughripoff follows a big city fish who is mistaken for a shark killer, gets in trouble with the mob and meets his runaway son. Like Sharks, it’s probably best that you avoid this embarrassment of fishes.

The Trumpet of the Swan, (2001) Dir: Richard Rich & Terry L. Noss.

A mute Swan learns to read and write, and finds success with a trumpet. Akin to that time when your cousin's teeth repeatedly scraped your dick during oral.

A Man Called Flintstone, (1966) Dir: William Hanna, Joseph Barbera

Long before their offspring The Simpsons made the jump to features, The Flintstones made a rather bungled attempt in this parody of spy films. Can’t really remember what happens because I was sleeping after about 10 minutes.

Spirit: Stallion of the Cimmaron, 666ad, Dir: Who cares

Some nifty background design is destroyed by awful writing and a lame plot about horses. Sure, to their credit the producers don’t make the horse speak (reminds me of the opening of the Star Wars Xmas special? Remember? Yeah… when the first 10-15 minutes was all in Wookie talk with no subtitles! That takes balls. So avant-garde it makes Godard look like Ed Wood with a dress), but everything else about this jingoistic ‘just like us’ syndrome reeks of horse shit.

Looney Tunes: Back in Action, (2003), Dir: Joe Dante/Eric Goldberg

Just when you thought Warner Bros. had hit rock bottom with Space Jam, they released this live action/animation piece of dung. It’s bad enough that these once respectable characters are being forced through this muck, but what’s Steve Banjo boy Martin’s excuse (Martin later topped himself by committing the ultimate sacrilege of thinking he’s funnier than Peter “Nutjob” Sellers.) Hopefully in hell, Martin is forced to watch his performance again and again and again and… while being reamed by out of tune banjos.

The Polar Express, (2004), Dir: Robert Zemeckis

This film scares me and reveals everything wrong with Tom Hanks, most computer and motion capture animation. It’s in the eyes. There’s something dead in the eyes, like zombies walking among us. But, hey, if you’re looking to creep your kids out or punish them then I highly recommend it.

Rock A Doodle, (1992), Dir: Don Bluth

I can’t really find the words to describe the pain so let me just give you the synopsis: an Elvis-like rooster moves to the city and becomes a star. Without the rooster, the farm falls under the control of an evil owl. A little boy, transformed into a cat, leads the farm animals to the city to bring the rooster back. Then he dies whilst taking a dump.

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