Scoobert "Scooby" Doo, who was also at the scene of the disappearance, seemed to take events in stride. "He rus ry rephew. Ry roved him," said the crimefighting Great Dane as he nonchalantly gobbled down a Scooby Snack. "Rumtimes you get the rhost, and rumtimes the rhost gets you."

Scrappy's funeral, which took place the same day, was attended by no one. In sections of the French Quarter, in fact, the sound of revelry could be distinctly heard. "Speaking of mysteries, this is one for the books," said Cartoon Network spokesperson S. Cary Mownster. "The last time an animated character played to an empty funeral parlor was when that Jar Jar Binks fell, or got pushed, or whatever, into that wood chipper. I can't believe that poor Scrappy had nobody show up at all." Mourners have been asked by Mystery, Inc. to leave memorial donations to the Glowing Ghost Relief Foundation in lieu of flowers.

KEY TALIBAN LEADER CAPTURED NEAR KABUL
By Millie Terry

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN (AP) Coalition forces scored a major victory yesterday when an important Taliban insurgent was taken prisoner on the outskirts of Kabul. Abdul Razaq Destro, believed to be the mastermind behind an outbreak of recent ambushes, including a marketplace explosion last month that resulted in heavy casualties, was captured by U.S. Special Forces operatives. These Special Forces, known as "The Joes," spoke to the international press today using only their code names.

"We've been looking for this guy for a long, long time. He's got strong ties to al-Quobra," said team leader "Duke." Another operative known as "Snake-Eyes" painted a grim picture of the raid that netted the Taliban leader. "If we had taken the road that the locals pointed out to us, we'd have been beheaded by now. As it was, Short Fuse and Shipwreck were lucky to get out alive. If it hadn't been for Grand Slam covering my own back, I might not be talking to you either."

Not to worry: The Joes have a storied history. Despite countless battles against well-equipped al-Quobra forces, there has never been a single KIA or casualty. Purple Hearts, in fact, are rarer among the Joes than whiskey bottles are among the Taliban. When asked how the raid was pulled off so successfully, an operative known as "Tripwire" smiled widely. "Well, that's what happens when you build a secret headquarters ten stories high in the shape of a snake's head. The Joes are going to find it, you can bet on that."

Tripwire took a more serious tone, however, when asked about the future of nation-building in Afghanistan. "There won't be any peace here until we catch the number one guy, Quobra Kham Mander. He's not making it easy for us. Only Bin Laden himself has been more elusive. But just give us time. Give us time." With that the team began to assemble for its next mission, pausing only to pose briefly for the cameras and shout their battle cry, "Yo, Joe!" As for Abdul Razaq Destro, he remains in U.S. custody at an undisclosed location.

Famous Hollywood barrister Harvey Birdman considers his options after being disbarred. © Cartoon Network.

NOTED HOLLYWOOD ATTORNEY DISBARRED
By Ander Oathe

DALLAS, TX (AP) Famous Hollywood barrister Harvey Birdman was formally disbarred by the California Bar Association yesterday following revelations that Birdman, 53, had been having regular sex with one of his clients, 23-year-old Luanna Kleinschmidt. Birdman and Kleinschmidt first met in 2005 when the blonde college student approached the lawyer about syndication contracts for her popular local television show, Manger Babies. The affair began shortly after that and continued despite the fact that Birdman's client had married in 2007.

Luanna's uncle, Hank Hill of Arlen, Texas, spoke to reporters after both Kleinschmidt and Birdman refused to issue comments. "I think it just might have gone on if Lucky (Elroy Kleinschmidt, Luanna's husband) hadn't shown up at Mr. Birdman's office out of chance. He was wanting to file a lawsuit against Mega Lo Mart for getting splinters while he was looking for stumping supplies and he just walked in on them." Kleinschmidt's aunt, Peggy Hill, was at a local Boggle tournament and was unavailable for comment.

Mr. Kleinschmidt brought a formal complaint against Birdman after a local legal expert, Mr. Dale Gribble, explained his options to him fifty-seven times. "At first ah was jus' goin' to break that Birdbrain's neck" said Kleinschmidt, "but I figgered ah could get more settlement monies out of the deal this way. By the way, kin you explain to me agin why Dale says I have to press a suit? I ain't even got one. Kin ah get paid to talk to you?"

The California Bar Association voted unanimously for disbarment following the Kleinschmidt report. Birdman, who has successfully defended such high-powered clients as Peter Potamus, alleged Mafia don Fred Flintstone, and daredevil driver Ernie Devlin, has had similar problems in the past; a paternity lawsuit filed in 1993 by celebrity sports figure Penelope Pitstop was dismissed after prosecutors failed to match Birdman's DNA to that of Pitstop's child.