Lost in translation: In spite of Dr. Toon’s pleas, Hollywood continues its mindless adaptations of animated series into live-action features with Fat Albert. © 2004 Twentieth Century Fox. All rights reserved.

Another holiday season, another live-action film adapted from an animated series, another bomb. Sad thing is, it didn’t have to happen. In a column written for this estimable Website dated January 2002 I virtually begged FOX not to let Fat Albert happen, but who is concerned in the least with the entreaties of a lowly journalist in the pasturelands of Indiana? Once again, in the hopes that some suit in Hollywood pays some modicum of heed: No matter how many times live-action animated films (LAAFs) are attempted; they will fail critically and commercially.

To be sure, the first Scooby-Doo film, unabashed twaddle that it was, did gross nearly $160 million. This is an impressive, if not overwhelming sum. Still, Scooby rode a wave of considerable popularity helped, no doubt, by the Cartoon Network’s crusade to resurrect and heavily promote every wretched episode of the series. That the film was a freak success is underscored by the fact that its sequel made only half as much despite heavy promotion and a surfeit of special effects. Most of these LAAFs (an ironic acronym if ever there was) suffer a far worse fate. A question, dear readers: How did you enjoy the live-action adaptation of Thunderbirds? Yes, the one that made $7 million at the few theaters it wasn’t laughed out of.

Oh yes, they did it again. Producer John Davis, who had been hot for a live-action Fat Albert since 1996, announced production on Feb. 27, 2001. Scriptwriter Charles Kipps went to work with the honorary Dr. Bill Cosby, the cartoon’s creator. Kipps has one feature film to his credit, and that non-animated, but he at least did some writing for Cosby’s animated series Little Bill. Davis hired Forest Whitaker (no credits in animation work at all) to direct. Davis fired said director over “creative differences” after a few months along with his choice for Fat Albert, a portly young actor by the name of Omar Benson Miller.

The live-action feature version of Scooby-Doo was a freak success © Warner Bros. All rights reserved.

The film went into the deepest cantos of Production Hell for a year before Davis tabbed Joel Zwick as director. Zwick is best known for directing Nia Vardalos’ indie vanity project My Big Fat Greek Wedding, which made a tidy sum before becoming a TV sitcom that lasted for 18 minutes. Must I really add that Mr. Zwick has never directed an animated film in his career? Nah, didn’t think so. It’s true (with the exclusion of 12 animated minutes) that Fat Albert is a live-action film, but to make that film, one has to understand the original source material. With the exception of Cosby, it is difficult to believe that the brain trust of this bomb ever came close. Not that it mattered much.

I’m not even sure that it mattered to Cosby. After a series of controversial public statements over the past year that challenged the failings Cosby perceived in black street culture, the often sage comedian turned out a film that addresses none of these issues. Why didn’t Cosby use Fat Albert as a forum for his widely stated beliefs? Instead of being bemused by consumerist effluvia like shopping malls and compact discs, F.A. and the junkyard crew could have experienced Cosby’s numbing despair. They could have met promising young humans (with those outlandish names that Coz mentioned) destroyed by black-on-black crime, deliberately spurning education and strutting to nasty rap tunes in which bitches and ho’s serve as despised punching bags. Now that might have been interesting.