Bubblebee declined to be interviewed for this article.

"Guess this trip didn't turn out like you thought," Double Wide said. You know, I think the best thing for you to do is haul ass back to Earth and forget you ever met us."

 

"Damn straight," Beer Can added.

"But I'm on assignment!" I protested. "I have to get a column in every month. And Paramount is paying me to –

"That's your problem," Double Wide interrupted. "Now high-tail it outta her before I use you as a lawn gnome."

Back on Earth, I faced a tough decision. Who did I fear more, Michael Bay or Beer Can? I decided that even if worse came to worse, I could get the more upscale Transformers on Earth to protect me. After all, I had an inside line to them, right? So, I'm sending this column.

-THREE DAYS LATER-

The side of my house is gone, bitten away by a metallic dog the size of a small mountain. I'm hiding in the crawlspace, desperately sending this message for help. If you are receiving this message, call Optimus Prime immediately. I don't know how much longer I have until Pit Bull chews his way through the foundation, and my router may be gone in the next bite. I never should have written this column. If you can….AAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH ………

Next month: Back to School! We'll take a look at the good and bad of directing a cartoon short or film.

Martin "Dr. Toon" Goodman is a longtime student and fan of animation. He lives in Anderson, Indiana.